Questions you shouldn’t be asking yourself on your wedding day

You may have a lot of questions on your wedding day. These questions could pertain to the seating chart; did we arrange it properly such that nobody divorced or currently suing one another is sitting at the same table? These questions could have to do with the menu; did I accommodate everybody’s dietary restrictions, or is someone going to end up in the hospital tonight because we forgot to get gluten-free dinner rolls? But your questions should not pertain to whether or not this wedding should be happening at all, or whether or not the person you’re marrying is the right person for you. If they do, then you should only hope you accidentally sat two divorced people next to each other. Maybe their drama will distract from the fact that you, the bride, look miserable standing at the altar! Here are questions you should not be asking yourself on the day of your wedding.

Did we get insurance on this wedding?

If you’re already starting to see this thing as a huge waste of money or a poor investment, you’re probably marrying the wrong person. Catch yourself looking up the insurance policy on this wedding? Wondering how much money you can get back on the band and catering if you cancel this all just before it gets started? You wouldn’t be thinking about any of that if you were about to marry the love of your life.

People will enjoy the wedding, no matter what happens-right?

Perhaps you feel guilty that people took time off work, hired babysitters and paid for hotel rooms in order to be here. Why? Because you know, deep down, that this union is a hoax. So you start listing off all of the reasons people will have a good time, anyways. At least they get an open bar. At least they get to take home the goodie bags. At least…oops. Your sentences shouldn’t start with “At least” on what’s meant to be the happiest day of your life.

What would’ve happened with that one guy?

There you are: day dreaming about what could have been if that exchange student didn’t have to go back to his hometown in college. And what if that one coworker, who you know was in love with you, had called off his engagement to be with you? What then. Well, it shouldn’t really matter if you are (allegedly) about to marry your one and only.

It’s just time, right?

You should not be getting married because it’s, “Just time.” Too many couples say, “I do” simply because they’ve been together for a long time. According to some fake timeline, they’re supposed to get married now and pop out their first child in 1.75 years. Your marriage should have nothing to do with societal expectations and everything to do with your deep desire to spend forever with this person.

It’s better than being alone, right?

Uh oh. If you’re asking yourself this question, then you should’ve called this thing off a long time ago. Not only is being alone much better than being with the wrong person (because giving your heart and body to someone you don’t love is soul-crushing) but you won’t even be alone forever! Calling this off just frees you up to meet the person who is actually right for you.

Can wedding day stress feel like total misery?

Perhaps you’re telling yourself, “I just feel absolutely, horribly miserable because I’ve been so stressed about planning this wedding. Yes. That’s it. Even though the planning is now over…Even though now all I have to do is finish this champagne and walk down the isle…Yeah. This feeling of panic and nausea is just residual wedding planning stress…”

How expensive is divorce these days?

Now you’re pricing divorce. Your makeup stylist, who is earning a pretty penny to do this, is adding shimmer to your cheeks while you’re Googling the average price of divorce on your phone. You’ve even started reading Yelp reviews on divorce lawyers in your area. You know—what every blushing bride does on her wedding day.

What are the terms of an annulment again?

You’re back on Google, figuring out what the terms of an annulment are. Can you only get one if you don’t have sex the night of the wedding? How long after a wedding is an annulment no longer an option? Your one friend got an annulment. Maybe you’ll just send her a quick Facebook message and ask her these questions. Oh, shoot: she’s sitting in the other room waiting to watch you get married in ten minutes. That could send the wrong message.

Nobody traveled too far for this, did they?

You’re beginning to wonder how much your wedding inconvenienced people. Did anybody have to travel really far? Did any elderly individuals, for whom flying is quite uncomfortable, sit through a seven-hour flight to be here? Did any religious individuals who can’t drive on the Sabbath walk here? Gulp. You feel pretty bad since you kind-of know this marriage won’t last.

What time will this end? I want to meet my friends

You’re already thinking beyond the marriage. You want a timeline from the planner: how many songs is the band playing? What time is the cake being cut? What time do we have to get out of the reception hall? And, what time does your favorite bar close? You’d really like to meet some friends for drinks there later.

Was that black cat/solar eclipse/hummingbird a sign?

You’re wondering if everything you’ve seen this day was a sign that you’re not supposed to get married. For example, you saw a black cat. Okay, it was black and brown striped but definitely more black than brown. So basically, that was a bad omen.

Magic 8 ball: what do you think?

Now you’ve turned to a Magic 8 ball for answers. Or you’ve downloaded some app that connects you with a live psychic. You’re playing heads or tails with a quarter, to determine whether or not you’re supposed to walk down the aisle.

How long do people live again?

So, you’re supposed to be together until “Death do you part.” But how long do people really live, anyway? And don’t men usually die much earlier than women? So that will leave you with a good 10 to 20 years to yourself again. Maybe you can even find the true love of your life at that time—when you’re 70! Yeah! Okay. This will be fine.

Don’t plenty of married people happily live separate lives?

You read somewhere that sleeping in separate beds can save a marriage. Maybe you two should just have separate rooms. Or houses. In different neighborhoods. Or cities? Yeah. You can just meet up once a year. It will be really good for your marriage.

What would happen if I called it off, right now?

If you’ve already started fantasizing about walking out to your friends and family and making some liberating speech about how you just can’t do this, then you’re definitely marrying the wrong person. Most happy brides are fantasizing about things like their vows, their first dance and their honeymoon right about now