For many people, grief is both universal and deeply personal—a force that can dismantle routines, shift priorities and leave an emptiness no one else can fill.
It arrives without warning and lingers in unexpected ways, sometimes surfacing years after a loss.
Experts say grieving is not a process with a fixed timeline or predictable steps. It can ebb and flow like a tide, sometimes receding into the background, other times crashing down without warning. For some, the challenge lies not just in coping with grief, but in finding ways to live fully while carrying it.
A mother’s loss
For Uchenna Conley, life split into two parts: Before and after. In 2018, her infant daughter, U’jana, died unexpectedly from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It was the kind of loss that felt both impossible and unnatural.
“Parents aren’t supposed to lose their children. That’s not the order of things,” Conley said. “When you lose a child, everything feels off.”
The early days were a blur. Pregnant at the time with her oldest son, she credits him with keeping her alive.
“I call him my savior,” she said. “Who knows if I wasn’t pregnant with him where I would be. Once the doctor told me I had lost 25 pounds and needed to eat, I realized I had something to live for. His name actually means ‘God’s blessing sent to save the world.’”
Conley, now a mother of three sons, said her grief has never gone away — but it has changed.
“There’s no getting over it,” she said. “There’s living with it. But it’s about being able to live with it peacefully.”
She still looks at Johna’s pictures almost daily and focuses on remembering the good days. She knows grief will always have ups and downs — moments when she is doing well, and moments when the loss resurfaces.
“I think it’s important for people to understand they’re actually grieving,” she said. “If you don’t recognize it, it can consume you. Some people get stuck in that place their entire lives.”
Her grief sometimes feels invisible to those closest to her. Her husband and sons, while loving and supportive, don’t always understand the depth of her loss — and she’s learned that’s okay.
“This is my journey,” she said. “I can’t expect them to feel what I feel.”
In the months and years after Johna’s death, Conley stayed busy — intentionally. She poured herself into projects, community work and eventually a major career change. She became a doctor, determined to help other families understand SIDS and navigate the devastation it leaves behind.
“My grief was on hold because I was busy,” she said. “I was doing things for her — things to honor her — and that allowed me not to have to sit and think about her not being here. I thought about her, but not her death.”
Now, with her sons getting older and leaving home, Conley admits she is bracing for the quiet.
“I couldn’t stand the silence when Johna died — it was deafening. And I feel that coming again,” she said.
To prepare, she’s writing a book about her journey. It’s both therapy for her and a way to help others who are grieving.
“I want people to understand what loss is, and what helped me get through it,” she said. “Everyone survives loss, but we all do it differently. My way has been to keep moving, to find purpose in the pain, and to never stop remembering.”
And when guilt creeps in — the feeling that being happy means leaving Johna behind — Conley reminds herself of one truth: “Your child wouldn’t want you to stay in that place forever. They would want you to live.”
When loss stacks up
Victoria Murray knows grief from multiple angles—losing her father suddenly, saying goodbye to her mother after a week in hospice and losing her husband to suicide.
“You can’t measure grief,” she said. “It’s like the wind—you know it’s there, but you don’t know when it’s going to blow.”
Murray remembers her therapist telling her that grief is the high price you pay for great love. That perspective reframed her loss.
“Almost be happy you have it,” she said. “Because some people will never experience it, simply because they never had the great love.”
Deep in her faith, Murray doesn’t ask Why would God do this? Instead, she focuses on the belief that death is a journey we all must take.
“Everybody wants to get to heaven, but nobody wants to die to get there,” she said. “If we believe what we say we believe, then maybe grief is more about us and how much we’re going to miss them.”
Her advice is simple but intentional:
- Accept that grief is natural—there is “a time to mourn and a time to dance.”
- Take deliberate steps toward that “dancing” season.
- Remember how much your loved one would want you to live.
“My husband, my father, my mother—they would be so disappointed if they saw me wallowing in grief,” Murray said. “They poured into me for times such as this. So I live my life out loud, because that’s what they would want.”
The weight on mind and body
Therapist and grief counselor Nettie Jones, who specializes in supporting Black communities, says one of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it has an expiration date.
“Society gives people a few weeks, maybe months, before expecting them to be ‘back to normal,’” Jones said. “But grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows—sometimes it hits you years later, and that’s completely normal.”
She adds that grief can manifest physically through fatigue, headaches, weakened immunity and even heart problems. Mental health impacts range from depression to anxiety to difficulty concentrating.
“Healthy coping can look different for everyone—journaling, therapy, prayer, even activism,” Jones said. “What’s important is not suppressing grief. It needs space to breathe.”That’s one of the biggest lessons Conley says she’s learned over the years.
“Don’t allow guilt to consume you,” Conley said. “The truth is, we all live and we all die. There’s no set order, and it’s not always fair — but it’s a part of life.”
5 ways to live while grieving
- Give yourself permission to feel – Sadness, anger, even laughter are all part of the process.
- Create rituals to remember – Light a candle, visit a favorite place, or cook their signature dish.
- Lean on your support network – Allow friends, family, faith groups, or grief circles to help hold you up.
- Care for your body and mind – Rest, nourish yourself, move your body, and consider therapy.
Find joy without guilt – Laughing and celebrating honors your loved one’s life.
