It’s a topic that resonates deeply within the Black community: the “strong Black woman” trope. This pervasive stereotype, while often seen as a badge of honor, can also be a heavy burden. We spoke with Black women who are grappling with the expectations and realities of this label. Some are tired of living up to the superhuman standards it sets, while others feel they have no choice but to embody this strength in their daily lives. Check out these diverse perspectives and experiences, shedding light on the complexities behind the strength that is both celebrated and scrutinized.
I’m not your superwoman…if I don’t have the mental capacity to do it I don’t anymore.
Monique bruner
“I no longer feel the need to be strong, mainly because it not only took a toll on my physical health but also my mental health. I thought as a clinician that I can keep it under control that certain things wouldn’t impact me because I was a strong Black woman . Now in my early 50s, I am paying the price for it. So this is really the time of self-love and self-care. As the first to do many things in my family, there was a lot of pressure and expectation put on me. I had to be the one to set the example for everyone behind me. I had to make those older than me proud. And I felt like it was my responsibility to make everyone happy and keep the peace. I felt like I could handle more so I did more. Some people felt like because I went to college it meant like I was able to do everything and solve all problems for everyone big or small. Even though I worked hard for what I had, I was expected to share it with others because I had the ability to do it and I wasn’t allowed to be sad or complain because people would bring up all that I had compared to what they didn’t. Now, during my work hours, I have certain responsibilities and then I turn it off. I no longer feel the need to be responsible for everybody that I’m related to by blood or relationship. It was hard unlearning what had been instilled in me for so many decades. I’m still at work in progress.” – Nakecia Bowers
“I don’t have the capacity to carry my load and others too. Learning to know my limits and say no (and mean it) are my current priorities. I’m happier when I do what I want, when I want and how I want.” – Kym Fisher
“My breast cancer diagnosis came in the midst of my move to Florida to become my parents’ caregiver. OVERWHELMED!!! I had to ask for help because I couldn’t face this major illness treatment and keep all the other balls in the air (Which everyone, including my Sister, was content for me to handle all by myself; because I always played the Super Woman role). Now that I had to ask for help, I don’t plan to ever play that role; I hung up my cape for good. My mental health improved because I lessened my stress load by sharing responsibilities. I released the disappointment of not being able to handle it all and I could then reprioritize my life. I had to come first for my health’s sake. My work came next because it provided the salary and insurance needed for my recovery. My caregiving moved down on the list because it moved up on my Sister’s list. It was a shared responsibility and always should have been. I even say no more often within each of my priorities because I am better focused on my health, which includes the balance I need mentally.” – Nina Wilson Jones
“When I was a single mother raising a Black male child, I felt I had to be strong. Strong to teach him NOT to put anyone else in the position he was raised in. Strong because I was one of the very few female Tax Accountants at my Fortune 100 company. Strong because I had to teach my son how to treat women, how to manage money, how to cook, clean, iron, match his colors, be respectful blah blah blah while teaching him my expectations of him as a male and as a man. Strong because I had to be his advocate at all times. I was on protect mode, so it didn’t impact my mental health but I welcomed those summer breaks with my grandparents (my parents) so I could just BE.” – Iris Kebbeh
“I do still feel the need to be strong. I was raised by a Panamanian grandmother and mother who raised me that way so it’s hard to move out of the strong role but what I do differently than they did is I talk about how I’m feeling. I’m no longer covering up when I feel overwhelmed. I’m still strong and get what I need done, but I sit and talk about it if I need to. I think it helps so much to share and release all that I’m feeling which helps with my mental health.” – Candy McQueen
“I try to be because I find there are very few that you can depend on. It gets hard sometimes, but you know yourself.” – Lareeta Robinson
“Chronic stress you don’t know you have until your body starts breaking down. Never thought of myself that way but often accepted the mantle when thrust upon me. Now I have to put me first.” –Patricia Markham Woodside
“I am strong on my terms, but I know how to be pampered/catered to. I don’t let anyone lean on my strength to use, abuse or take advantage of me.” – Kim Crawford
“STRONG continues to be the standard Required Job Qualification for the position of “Black Woman” irrespective of her circumstances, background, education, or socio-economic status. A Black woman’s strength is expected from everyone in the world. Black women have been conditioned to believe their worth lies in their unyielding resilience and strength. By and large, Black women are the only race of women that are socialized to not expect partnership or to live in their divine feminine. Those things are viewed as luxuries that are in limited supply for a designated few. I was raised to believe that strength was the foundation and frame to Black womanhood. I believed that until I made a conscious decision to choose freedom and health. My strength lies in my ability to be vulnerable, reprogram my thoughts, and live authentically. Shedding the weight of the world’s expectation of me as a black woman has been life changing. Black women are realizing we deserve support too. #softlifeisaverb” – LaDawn Elliot
“As an MH therapist, with not one but two adult children dealing with mental illness, caring for my elderly mother, and being the therapist for my entire family, I am not strong! I have had to be strong my entire life not because I hunted down the title. Lately, I have been looking at my patients wondering what I could possibly tell them. So many of my strong therapist friends are feeling the same way. My struggle lately is where is my leaning tower of strength! Who can I depend on, cry on their shoulder? I am not strong… I am resilient because I didn’t have a choice. Let me go see this 10am and pray I have something to say….” – Cynthia Dotson
“It’s the worst term created if you ask me. I used to wear it as a badge of honor until I realized how damaging it was to finding a mate. When I met my fiance, I was so strong, showing weakness, was a weakness in my eyes. I had to relearn how to just be a woman, and let my man be the man. I had to learn that saying I want and need you wasn’t a weakness. Asking for help was music to his ears. I had to unlearn all the bull crap that was planted in my head about having to be “a strong Black independent woman”. It was a hard transition, and I didn’t realize it would be until I faced myself. Thank God he was patient, and understanding. It took me about a year solid of resisting the temptation to be all and choose to relax in his love and care. I didn’t go to therapy, I just became conscious and intentional with my actions with him and towards him. Now, it’s easy and I love it here oh and I talked to a couple of married women on my journey and they really helped me through the rough spots. Who you have around you makes a difference. They were such a powerful, wonderful inspiration, guide, and truth that I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.” – Marisa Readus
“I turned in my cape. I spent years being everything to everyone and nothing to myself. Those days are over. My time is valuable—I no longer give it away. My job gets the time they pay for. Not entertaining promotions that want to trade my time for pennies. I spend my free time doing hot yoga, having mani pedi’s and reading. I’m in my, “my kid is grown, leave me the fck alone, phase.” – Celia Anderson
“I use to and as I’ve grown and worked on myself and my mental health I don’t feel the need or want to be the strong Black woman anymore. It’s not fair to me to have to be the everything for everybody while I can’t get someone to bring me a bottle of water.” – Nicole Doe-Jones
“Thankfully, no I do NOT!!! I gave that foolishness up! Two trips to a behavioral health center will teach you some valuable lessons about taking charge of your mental health. I purposely schedule time during the day where my phone automatically goes into DND (do not disturb) mode, I cut my social media presence down tremendously, I meditate more and worry less. I refuse to engage in activities that will deplete my peace and make no apologies about setting boundaries.” – Cami Turner Edmonds
“At the age of 35, began taking care of my husband who suffered a stroke. He was active duty Army and 38. Then four years later I moved my mother in with us and took care of her for 8 years before she passed. We have two sons who were 15 and 10 at the time my husband became ill. I didn’t see myself as a strong woman I saw myself as a woman who had to take care of her family. Before my husband’s illness, I went to the gym three times a week. I forgot how to do that when I became a caregiver. I gained weight, my blood pressure went up, I would forget to eat (even though I cook every day) and didn’t get enough sleep. My best friend saw this and convinced me to take a vacation away from home. That was the beginning of taking better care of myself and my mental health. My husband started doing things for himself and helped me with my mother. I started taking mini vacation days from work. I started walking for exercise and eating better. I’m in my sixties now and doing good. I also learned how to ask for help. And people helped.” – Marilyn Porter
“As a young up-and-coming entrepreneur, I felt that I needed to present myself in business meetings and in my office as Strong! Now, not so much, I’m tired, being strong has brought on so much stress and responsibility, that it is ridiculous. What I have learned is that being strong made me a target! Now, I delegate and ask for help when I am feeling overwhelmed. Including asking for help from my husband, children, and family members. To balance work/life, I now travel more, go on staycations more, I have property out in the country where I visit often and just do nothing! It’s important to take those mental health breaks, otherwise my health would pay tremendously!” – Dr. Newsome Talley
“Sometimes the feeling of being strong causes me to take on more than what my mental capacity can handle. Whether it is at home as a single mother or at work proving I can handle more. Sometimes I don’t immediately seek medical attention or I hold off on things that I need to do because I feel like I can do more and handle more before I get the help. It’s a constant discussion between my best friend and I.” – Latrice Causey
“I’ve tried so many times to back away from people and situations but revert right back to helping and checking on everyone. My bestie told me “NO” is a good word for me to learn. Standing up for myself in the workplace, defending myself to peers outside the workplace, and health challenges had me spiraling. I broke down at work and couldn’t stop crying. I had an anxiety attack. HR told me to take some time off. I had to find a therapist and I went on a 3-month leave of absence. I had a therapist to tell me to “get over it and move on. People out here making moves and you letting this stuff affect you.” I left him and those unpaid invoices he sent me. Yet, I’m back here again as a caregiver and working in ministry. Folks at work lying and when I confronted them, with HR, they backpedaled. If I had the money I’d be on an island somewhere for at least a month. And what’s crazy about this is I haven’t received a call from anyone asking how could they help me or just to check on me. I changed my number and said to heck with everyone. I just want someone to help me as much as I’ve helped everyone else or just be there without me having to ask. My mom and my cousin have checked on me, though. However, they have their own stuff to contend with.” – Tracey Johnson
“Yes, I feel the need to be strong. I do what I have to do I takes a toll on me mentally. But I stay strong with the help of my faith by praying without ceasing . I also take time to relax, recharge and rejuvenate.” – Paula Davis Journet
“I do not feel the need… anymore! When I was on the hampster wheel, I realized that was the culprit for many of my health problems. For those of you who still have to run the rat race, be careful not to kick the health ball down the road. Take care of yourself NOW and you will thank yourself later.” – Denise Bates
“I don’t feel the need, I feel I have to. Who else is going to do what needs to be done? I have back away from being the be-all to end-all for my children but I have my mother. I have four brothers and it’s like pulling teeth to get them to help. I’m in charge. Her health, her daily living, this house, the bills, how she gets to and from, it’s me. When I try to divide duties, there’s excuse after excuse so I stopped. A couple of years back when I had both parents I found a therapist and it’s made a difference and then one night I went to God and asked Him to help me to do this. Help me not have animosity against my brothers and God told me to allow the situation to become an honor and that’s how I get through it. It’s my honor to care for her. So being strong is just what I have accepted.” – Candy Jackson
