Sibling rivalry can be a difficult obstacle for parents to navigate. How much involvement is too much? Is some fighting beneficial? While research suggests that extensive sibling fighting is detrimental to mental health, most families can rest assured that some everyday squabbles are a normal part of growing up in a family.
Underlying Causes of Sibling Rivalry
While sibling rivalry is universal and unavoidable, it does help to understand where the struggles originate so that you can better help your kids navigate their relationships.
Competition
When children feel like they’re competing for attention, accolades, or resources, they’re likely to fight more often. Similarly, if family dynamics always require one sibling to accommodate the other, neither child will feel fulfilled.
Life Changes
From big to small, life changes will affect each child differently, producing some friction. When one child sees another as a cause of unwanted change (a new baby, older sibling’s schedule changes home life), there is often a period of resentment.
Developing Skills
Children do not have well-developed problem-solving or communication skills. As they learn how to relate to others, their siblings are a perfect training ground for developing these new skills.
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What is a Parent’s Role in Sibling Dynamics?
Parents are coaches, not referees. If you step in too often to orchestrate your children’s disagreements, they won’t learn to problem-solve independently. More importantly, they won’t have the space to develop a unique relationship with each other that transcends the walls of your home.
Instead of trying to always keep the peace, here are several ways you can influence a more positive and fulfilling sibling relationship in your home.
Avoid Comparison or Defined Roles
When parents frequently compare siblings or comment on typical family roles (“she’s the quiet one”), children can feel trapped or resentful. Watch your unintentional use of these messages in everyday conversation.
Don’t Aim for Equality
Your children are individuals, and you should parent them differently. Adapt your strategies to the child in front of you. This approach can create short-term struggles if one child doesn’t like their own treatment compared to a sibling’s, but in the long run, you’ll be giving each child the tools and attention they need to confidently navigate obstacles.
Set Intentional Boundaries
Your household rules should be intentional, and your children should understand their purpose. Avoid rules that punish certain feelings, such as “never speak meanly.” Kids, like adults, have a range of emotions, and their feelings are valid even if their actions are unacceptable. Your kids will be angry with each other whether or not you have rules against it, so spend your time teaching them what to do with that anger (e.g., no hitting) rather than how to pretend it doesn’t exist.
Foster Teamwork, Relate Individually
Create a family team that works together through ups and downs. Family meetings, with time for every member to speak and share ideas or concerns, are a great way to foster collaboration outside of immediate conflict. Amid this team energy, make sure to spend one-on-one time with each child as much as possible. They will feel loved and valued as both an individual and part of a group.
Serve as a Role Model
If you’d like your children to treat each other respectfully and work through problems collaboratively, you have to model that approach in front of them. Because you’re not stepping in to mediate most issues, their script will come from previous interactions with the adults in their lives.
When (and how) to Step In
Especially when your kids are younger, monitoring their interactions and stepping in from time to time as the parent is necessary. But how do you know when to get involved, and what will you do once you’re in the room?
Focus on Reflecting and Reporting, Not Reacting
Your primary role in sibling conflict should be to help your kids learn how to handle these situations independently. Rather than reacting to the fight by giving your opinions or handing out consequences, start by reporting what you see and reflecting back what you hear from each child. Then, help lay out some options for resolving the situation and let your kids make the final decisions.
Prioritize Safety
You should step in if you witness a situation that could quickly become unsafe (either to people’s physical, mental, or emotional well-being or to property). It’s still important to let the kids keep as much agency as possible here, so start by removing one or both children from the situation to give everyone space to calm down. Then, you can move into modeling problem-solving.
Whether you’re a seasoned parent or you have a new child on the way, it’s never too late to foster a sibling relationship that will be strong well into adulthood.
