With Black men on the wrong end of nearly every statistic, merely surviving from day to day can almost feel like a victory. Almost.
“To be male, poor, and either African-American or Native-American is to confront, on a daily basis, a deeply held racism that exists in every social institution,” wrote Camille Busette, director of the Brookings Institute’s Race, Prosperity and Inclusion Initiative.
Busette believes nothing less than “a New Deal for Black men” (holistic policies impacting all aspects of life) can improve outcomes for brothers. However, a gathering of Black men recently discussed the internal work needed to move them from a survival mentality to one that allows them to see they deserve to thrive.
The National Urban League 2023 Convention in Houston earlier this year hosted a forum titled “Black Men Thrive: Moving Beyond Survival.” Attendees in the standing-room-only space heard from a mix of brothers with national followings and impact.
Moderated by national activist, strategist and commentator Jeff Johnson, panelists included Charles Blow (journalist, commentator, NY Times op-ed columnist and author), Mac Stanley Cazeau (owner/operator of Therapy Is for Everyone Inc.), Larry Williams Jr. (executive director, Black Men Vote and Black Men Engage) and Rev. Jamail Johnson (pastor, The Word Church and executive director for the African American Male Wellness Agency).
Here are excerpts from their conversation.
STUCK IN SURVIVAL MODE
Emotionally Stunted
We are in a place where we can’t even express emotion that is positive. I can’t be curious because I’m supposed to know. I cannot be overly happy because then they’re gonna think I’m goofy. I cannot be in love because then somebody going to get me. I cannot smile too big because then I’ll be targeted. We literally have seen a generation that has created the aspiration of Black masculinity as stoic. And so before people talk about toxic masculinity and all this other stuff, there is a reality that there is not only white supremacist but the internal cultural value that says being stoic is the image of Black masculinity. And then we wonder why people treat us inhumanely, even our own families. (Jeff Johnson )
Too Comfortable with Pain
A friend knew he needed healing, even though he was doing well in his job and had a family, who recognized that he was not at a place in his life where he wanted to show up for himself or his family, but said, “Nah, healing is gonna be too painful for me. So, as long as things don’t get worse, I’m comfortable living that way.” And I was like, “Man, I appreciate that you’re incredibly self-aware. The only challenge I have is how do you know how good healing can be? How do you know what you can do that you can’t do on the other side of healing? How do you know what your relationships look like?” (Jeff Johnson )
Faith Failures
I think as an institution, [the church has] failed. Because it was a moment where even in the church, we had pastors on Sunday who were just like 2 Chainz, “Ridin Round Getting It,” and members believing “Cars coming next week. Houses coming next week.” And when that doesn’t come, then now, I question my faith. I question my ability, and I question myself, which is now driving us into a place where we are looking at everybody else’s ESPN highlight real, judging ourselves. I think as an institution, if we’re going to talk about it from a religious space, we have to get back to a fundamental square where we look at ourselves in the mirror and we try every day to be the spitting image of our creator. I believe it’s in that space we find everything that we need. Looking in that mirror, we’ll be able to find everything that we need to be the best that we can be. (Pastor Jamail Johnson )
Blind to Inherent Greatness
I think that there’s this really powerful kind of dynamic that when you can look in the mirror and see the creator, understanding my power for divine creation. That speaks to a clear image of who I am. However, most of us don’t wake up and see that. There’s trauma, there are the realities of stress. All the things I’m dealing with. (Jeff Johnson )
Out of Touch with Feelings
We are now becoming aware of how society has conditioned Black men to be, to act and to see ourselves. And the biggest struggle that I see when I’m working with Black men is one, being able to label how we are feeling. We’re comfortable with three emotions, anger, happiness, and sadness, while our counterparts can feel thousands of emotions. So, a lot of time we’re feeling invisible, overwhelmed, not prioritized, undesired and overlooked. And we don’t even have the language to be able to voice those things. So the first thing is, when we’re looking in that mirror is to self-reflect. That allows us to be emotionally naked and be able to decipher exactly what it is that we are feeling. (Mac Stanley Cazeau )
Acting Out
When we are experiencing a feeling and we’re not acknowledging it, it comes through in our behaviors. We’re acting out. We might be drinking or we might be more aggressive, or we’re short-tempered, or we’re just not being present for those that we love or for ourselves. So, whether or not we acknowledge what we are experiencing, it’s still happening. And if we can give it a language, then we take the power away from it. If I can say, “Hey babe, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the lack of affirmation in this relationship or into this household,” now I take the power back. And I can communicate that to my partner in hopes that they can start helping me overcome those challenges. (Mac Stanley Cazeau )
Lack of Honest Conversation
We talk a lot of times about the barbershop being the pinnacle of Black male conversation. And I just think that’s a lie… The barbershop is the place where you are honest about everybody but you. So, we’re gonna talk about everything, but seldom do I see a brother be like, “Y’all, she broke my heart, man. What y’all think?” Or, “Yo, I’m struggling with this money at the job and it ain’t working right. Where y’all at?” It is a place to be honest, but not always a place to be transparent. (Jeff Johnson )
Fear of Admitting Vulnerability
I, like any other man in this room, have been acculturated in masculinity in society, and that means that you don’t want, even if it’s healthy, to stay in an emotional state. It makes you feel vulnerable. Vulnerability makes you feel weak. To counteract that, you develop strategy. For me, that strategy is having a single confidant who is the person that I go to with the vulnerable part of me. (Charles Blow )
“We ain’t allowed to show no weakness, brother. And that’s one of the most traumatic things in the world. A Black man that might actually need some help, he might really need some help, it’s challenging for you to even bring yourself to a place of comfort to call someone to tell them that you really need some help, and ask for it and not be afraid that somebody is going to take that situation that you’re going through and exploit that bullshit to embarrass you or humiliate you. So, definitely, the majority of the time, we walk alone.” (Busta Rhymes being interviewed by Toure)
KEYS TO THRIVING
Transparency
We can lift statistics and we can frame the problem, but if we are not talking about transparent things that we have been through to challenge this notion, if we can’t talk about models that we’ve seen and we can’t talk about solutions, then we have wasted everybody’s time. (Jeff Johnson )
Talk to Somebody
To counteract [fearing vulnerability], you have to develop strategy. For me, that strategy is having a single confidant who is the person that I go to with the vulnerable part of me… I think that some of us need whatever strategy that allows us to be vocal, to articulate, to acknowledge that it’s happening. I need to acknowledge sometimes that there’s fear, that I’m vulnerable, that I hurt, that I feel that I’m inadequate, that I feel that I’m coming up short. And that is not something I need to say to the world…. because I believe that once I’ve done that, I’m on the road to deal with it. (Charles Blow )
Be Your Brother’s Keeper
The reason we have Black Men Engaged is because Black men have so many other things going on in their life. So, before you can talk to them about politics it’s like, “How are you feeling? How’s your economic life? How’s your relationship?” (Larry Williams Jr. )
Protect and Project Your Joy
It’s important to protect joy. We deserve joy. Our children deserve to see us experience joy. There is a great line in Beloved where Toni Morrison writes about Holy in the clearing, and she tells the men to dance because your children need to see you dance. It is so incredibly important to have access to that, to be a full human being. (Charles Blow )
Hold Each Other & Self Accountable
At some point as brothers, if we don’t hold ourselves to the highest bar because we’re afraid of beating each other up, then we have the most beautiful relationships that produce the least impactful results. (Jeff Johnson )
I have this rule. If I can’t be real with you, then I can’t be your friend… You gotta have friends that you can tell you’re hurting. Your friends who will play poker and basketball with you are not as valuable as the friends who will just listen to you. (Larry Williams )
Take Time to Process and Feel
[Thriving] requires us to take a look at ourselves in that mirror, acknowledge our emotions, and also being able to listen to ourselves. Because men spend 2.5 seconds listening before problem-solving. Part of listening is being able to sit there and just take it in, versus trying to decide how quickly can I get rid of this feeling. It’s allowing it to profess so we can learn from it, so we can grow from it, and so we can adapt it, and then we can start making the healthiest decisions on how to address it. (Mac Stanley Cazeau )
