Spring is a time for renewal; that doesn’t have to stop at your wardrobe or living room. Just like a cluttered closet can stifle your personal style, a stagnant intimacy life can leave you feeling unfulfilled. This season, consider a “spring cleaning” of your approach to sex and connection, regardless of your relationship status.
Intimacy is more than just physical connection. The emotional closeness, trust, and vulnerability bind partners together. But as relationships progress, comfort can sometimes lead to complacency. The routines that initially brought you closer can become stale, leaving intimacy to fall by the wayside.
The consequences of neglecting intimacy can be significant. Lack of intimacy can manifest in communication problems.
Couples may stop confiding in each other and need help to address issues effectively. This can lead to loneliness and isolation, impacting overall relationship satisfaction.
Revitalizing your intimate life is possible, and there are steps you can take to reignite the spark.
The Defender spoke with Nikquan Lewis, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Counselor, and Certified Sex Therapist, to get her insights on spring-cleaning your intimate life.
Defender: In your experience, what are some common challenges or barriers that Black individuals face when trying to spring-clean their sex lives ?
Nikquan Lewis: Many people, like I said, didn’t get these skills. They don’t have the image of what a healthy relationship looks like, so they surely don’t have the skills and the language around discussing sex and intimacy. So that’s one of the biggest challenges I see. I assist people with building their language around this but primarily creating a safe space. We’re creating a safe space. There’s a judgment-free zone. We are being mindful of body language because if I share something intimate with you and you screw your face up, or you clutch your pearls or something, I’m not gonna tell you anything else. Body language matters. It’s being able to understand the differences, desires, and fantasies. Fantasies exist in the mind. But if you don’t know that, you might assume that I’m telling you this is my fantasy, that I want you to do this with me. And that’s not necessarily the case. Something may turn someone on, and they may not intend to engage. I advocate for couples. So there’s, there’s some, there’s some overlap between individual practices and couple practices. But if we’re talking about couples, I advocate for couples to do check-ins, especially if this is new to them. Because you are gonna feel uncomfortable discussing things that you haven’t discussed.
Defender: In your experience, what are some common challenges or barriers that Black individuals face when trying to spring-clean their sex lives? Does it mean for Black individuals to “reclaim their sensuality,” and why is this an important aspect of spring-cleaning their sex lives ?
Lewis : If you are not connected to that central part of you, that can impact your ability to experience pleasure, and pleasure needs to be the goal in intimacy and sexual intimacy specifically because there are various types of intimacy. We’re talking about sexual intimacy, and pleasure is the goal, not just orgasm. But if I am not connected to that sensual part of me, now we’re talking about performance anxiety. You can do that with various things. You can do that with affirmation, definitely therapy, because oftentimes, when I work with people specifically that have that disconnect, there’s been some type of trauma. It helps you re-author your story with your sensual side.
Defender: Does effective communication play a role in revitalizing one’s sex life, especially within Black relationships ?
Lewis : it’s the foundation. Intentional communication. I’m talking about open, honest communication, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. And I’m a firm believer that good sex and good intimacy are a product of a healthy relationship. You want to take the time to intentionally discuss your desires, your sexual boundaries, your boundaries in general, of course, over talking about intimacy and your fantasies. Again, without communication, effective communication specifically, you can’t create that safe space where both partners have an opportunity to feel heard and valued, if that communication leads to a deeper emotional and physical intimacy for sure.
Defender: Can you provide some practical tips or strategies for Black couples to schedule intimacy in the midst of their busy lives ?
Lewis : I am a huge advocate for scheduling. I get a lot of pushback from my fellas. Many of us are just busy, and life is life-ing. There are a lot of us who are operating off of our calendars on our phones. I personally have a digital calendar. If you don’t create space for that, just like if you don’t create space to go to the gym, you’re not going to go. If this is your priority and you know you have a heavy workload or kids, it does not happen.
You don’t want to wait till the end of the night. Because oftentimes, what happens is that we give our partners the crumbs of the day. Pick a time, pick a day where you will have energy, you can give your partner effort. Your partner wants to feel like you’re attracted to them. The first step is to define what a sex a healthy sex life is for both people. If one person wants to have sex seven days a week and another person wants one day per week, then there’s a conflict. There has to be a shift in mindset. Scheduling your time helps to set yourself up for success.
Defender: How can individuals and couples abandon the routine and explore new avenues of intimacy and pleasure?
Lewis : Trying different things can just spark excitement and joy in general. Take a cooking class, a dance class, or other ways to spice things up in the various types of intimacy. There are five types of intimacy. You have intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and experiential, which is my favorite. That’s shared hobbies and interests, as well as physical. Sexual intimacy is one type of physical intimacy. So, that doesn’t mean physical intimacy does not equate to sexual intimacy. I advocate for couples to break it up in general and try some things that you haven’t done in general, not just in the bedroom, but in your relationship. There are different things to do in Houston that will help.
Defender: Why is it essential for Black individuals to focus on quality over quantity when it comes to their sexual experiences and relationships ?
Lewis : People tend to think that because a person has had many lovers, that means they’re experienced. That simply means you’ve had many lovers. It doesn’t mean you know how to pleasure someone, right? I’m absolutely about quality over quantity. You must know what your body craves to communicate that to your partner. But you do not have to be with 10, 12, or 50 people to be a qualified and experienced lover. You have to know how to communicate. It’s not about the number of people. It’s about the skillset. Know how to communicate, how your body wants to be pleased, and how to listen and please others.
