February is the month we celebrate both love and Black history. But in the history of Black love, at least in the United States, it’s been a perilous journey.
As Blackfolk, we not only have to navigate through the relationship issues all humans have to deal with, but we must also traverse racist-fed generational traumas and ongoing anti-Black landmines that impact how we see ourselves and how we relate to our special someone.
Because of these realities, more couples than we care to remember are couples no more. Yet, some Black couples have successfully journeyed together for decades, and are still making that Black love “thang” work.
But how? What secrets do these couples with 10, 20, 30-plus years invested in their relationships know that so many don’t? What are they doing (or not doing) that allows them to continue to grow in love even after all these years?
According to Houston socialite and interior designer Anita Smith, there are no secrets.
“After the beauty of the wedding, the sh*t hits the fan and it’s a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of work. But in the end, it’s all worth it,” Smith said, laughing.
Still, the Defender pushed forward with the interviews to see if Black love OGs could share any words of advice with persons aspiring for that reality.
The Defender spoke to three couples – Rudy and Juanita Rasmus, founding pastors of St. John’s Downtown; Jodie and Sonceria “Sonny” Messiah Jiles; and Norma “Raawiya” Thomas and Angela “Mayasa” Cezar Obike – each with at least 30 years together. The goal: to find out what hidden information they use that can help other couples aspiring to experience Black love longevity.
Moving from honeymoon phase to lasting relationship
Successful businessman and member of multiple boards, Jodie Jiles shared his advice on making the transition from the early stages of a relationship first sounding like a preacher, then like an MBA professor.
“The most important thing for any couple is to put God in the middle because marriage is like a rollercoaster; it has its ups and its downs,” said Jiles. “It’s like any organization or anything you do in life; as you progress, you gain institutional knowledge, you gain the pluses and the minuses, and you, you get to know each other better. Therefore, you develop a style individually and collectively. And the individual style is, ‘Do I walk away from this tough situation or this argument, or do I stay here and go back and forth?’ And over time you learn to just walk away…”
“From the argument, not the marriage,” Sonny interjected with a smile.
“Yeah. It’s just a matter of managing the process,” Jodie concluded.
Making that transition for the Jileses also involved serious, open and honest conversations.
“I think the beginning years for us were a little rough because after getting pregnant with the first child, Jodi came to me and said that he wanted to change careers. And as a result, almost immediately, surprise, I was pregnant with the second child, and I was looking at Jodie like, ‘You wanna do what?’,” recalled Sonny.
The pair then agreed that Jodie would take the required Series Seven to become an investment banker, knowing their first five years would be rough.
“So, we made an agreement that I would carry the family for those first five years, and then after that, we’d sit down and evaluate, ‘Was that a good investment?’ Turned out to be a good investment,” said Sonny.
Relationship-preserving actions
Because all couples go through difficult patches and daily tensions, the Defender asked the couples what actions they take to preserve their relationships.
“I’m a serious Virgo… I like my space. Not only do I like my space, I’m pretty much a hermit. I can be in this house 24/7, and every now and then, I feel the need for human interaction, and I’ll come out,” shared Raawiya. “I’m saying all that to say that when it comes to our relationship, I literally, on a regular basis, make the decision, this is the relationship that I want. And so, I’m in today. When things happen, that’s what I ask myself ‘Is it a deal breaker? Do I love this woman enough to get beyond what just pissed me off? What she just said, is that a walk away a moment?’
“You have to ask yourself those questions. You have to be realistic about it, because if not, then things have a tendency to build, and you haven’t dealt with the little stuff. Because over how many years are we now? This year will be 34 years. So, over a 34-year period, that’s a lot of living.”
Showing appreciation
The couples also discussed those things their partners do to show them appreciation, a critical habit to develop that creates a stronger bond.
“I’m going through a unique time right now in that my mom has been given a stage four lung cancer diagnosis. So, I’m in this season where, while I’m not the primary caregiver for my mom, my dad is, but I’m engaged in the course of the week, giving him relief,” said Juanita. “One of the things that Rudy knows that I like is notes. And so today, in my bag are two notes from him. He has been giving me notes throughout this whole thing. I love flowers. So, he brings fresh flowers. There are things he knows I don’t like to do, like grocery shopping. So, he calls and says, ‘Hey, I’m gonna stop by the store. Is there something you would like?’ It’s the knowing for me. It always boils down to knowing your partner’s love language.”
Remembering when they first met
The first question for each couple involved remembering when and how they first met, who spoke first, and what did they say. None of them listed this remembrance as part of their advice for keeping their relations strong. However, the way each couple lit up, smiled, and laughed while reflecting on that moment revealed the importance of revisiting it and other such early encounters with your boo.
DN VIDEO: Learn more about each couple’s unique Black love longevity journey, including advice they wish they knew before marriage.
