Marriage is a beautiful commitment, but the journey to “I do” requires thoughtful preparation.
For Black couples, navigating this path can involve unique considerations. It’s no secret that marriage and relationships take work, and for many young Black couples, there are major obstacles to overcome; one of them is what we consider as expectations.
Does your partner want children?
What are the cultural differences?
Should finances be shared?
Do you want to live in the suburbs or the city?
How does religion play a role in how children will be raised?
For example, according to a study by the Pew Research Center, nearly half of African American newlyweds who got married between 2015-2019 had a spouse from a different race or ethnicity. The debate about long-lasting marriages in the Black community discusses this growing trend in cross-cultural marriages among Black people. As sensitive as these topics are, if there isn’t a safe space to communicate concerns, it can cause a strain in a relationship.
To shed light on these, the Defender spoke with Dr. Tim Waugh, author of The Three Day Getaway: A Fun Platform for Couples Communication. As a physical therapist by trade, he noticed individuals disclose personal information during therapy. Men would cover a wide range of relationship topics and begin to delve deeper into these conversations.
“You’re usually more vulnerable when you’re ill or experiencing a problem, and you’re essentially at your most accessible point in life talking to someone who will listen,” he said. “Many Black men don’t have that safe space, and it encouraged me to write the book based on these talks, but then I realized it takes two to tango and that I should include women’s experiences as well.”
It became clear to him that many couples did not truly know one another. Thus, the real dilemma now became how to persuade those who want to be in a relationship to stay in one. As a result, Waugh tried to figure out what it means to like someone before anything else. And focus on the core principles of a healthy relationship.
Building Strong Communication:
Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. “For Black couples,” Waugh said, “it’s crucial to develop culturally competent communication styles.” This involves understanding how your upbringing and cultural background influence your communication.
- Identify Communication Styles : Are you a direct communicator or more indirect? Understanding your partner’s style is key, too.
- Understanding their truth : Avoid being judgemental, use effective listening skills, and put yourself in the person’s shoes.
- Embrace Openness : Create a safe space for honest conversations. When trust is established, discussing difficult topics like finances, family dynamics, and expectations becomes easier.
- Seek Guidance : Consider premarital counseling tailored for Black couples. A therapist can provide tools for navigating communication challenges and fostering healthy dialogue.
Laying a Solid Foundation:
“Marriage is more than just a ceremony; it’s about building a life together,” he said. “You both need to have a strong sense of who you are to be a strong unit when strengthening extended family and community ties.”
He suggests couples ask themselves whether or not their significant other is their safe space and if the person is trusted enough to have their back through difficult times when dealing with the following:
- Merging Families : Blended families are common. Discuss how you’ll handle cultural differences within families and establish healthy boundaries.
- Financial Transparency : Open communication about finances is essential. Discuss financial goals, debt, budgeting strategies, and long-term financial planning.
- Building a Support System : “Having a strong support system is crucial,” Dr. Henderson says. Lean on friends, family members, or faith communities who share your cultural background and understand your unique needs.
- Gender expectations : Are there traditional or modern expectations? Are you willing to work as partners for certain household duties that are often attached to the responsibility of a certain gender, like cooking, paying bills, or cleaning?
- Generational Trauma : What about the person’s past will hinder your future? How can it be addressed? What resources are available to deal with the issues?
Planning for the Future:
A successful marriage involves shared goals and dreams for the future. Waugh says, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail,” and suggests that those dreams should be structured into “roadmaps.”
- Parenting Discussions : Discussing parenting styles, values you want to instill, and expectations around childcare is crucial before starting a family.
- Long-Term Goals : Talk about your individual and shared aspirations for the future. Create a vision board, discuss career goals, and plan for retirement.
- Understand Sacrifice : Learn to compromise and put the union’s mission first.
