“I’m grieving the relationships I cut off because they support our oppression at the ballot box.” (Akachineke Azubuike, creator of Blafrokan, a multi-media platform that spotlights Pan-African narratives.)
“In less than a year’s time I lost my best bestie girlfriend of over 40 years and my partner who had been in my life for almost 30.” (Evelyn Bethune, former Houston resident and granddaughter of the iconic Mary McLeod Bethune)
“Last year was the first full year without my mom. I thought I was so prepared, but Lord was I wrong.” (Maria Carlos, longtime educator)
As with everything in the United States, grief has a strong yet mainly ignored racial component. It’s called the “Racial Grief Gap,” and it’s as real as food deserts, medical apartheid and racial profiling.
RACIAL GRIEF GAP
Though grief is universal, it disproportionately affects people of color, especially Blacks. This “Racial Grief Gap” has been hidden from most in part because research around death and grief historically focuses on white populations. However, Black people’s collective grief from centuries of built-up and piled-on trauma means Blacks continuously face collective grief experiences foreign to white Americans.
But that’s not all.
“Blacks lose more loved ones from childhood through adulthood than their white counterparts.”
Due to historical U.S. racial inequalities like poverty, inadequate health care, and criminal victimization, Blacks in this country die at higher rates and earlier in life than whites. The result: Blacks lose more loved ones from childhood through adulthood than their white counterparts, compounding the impact of the collective generational trauma/grief.
“[Black Americans] are more likely to experience the deaths of mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, and children and to experience multiple family member deaths,” stated the 2017 Harvard University article Death of family members as an overlooked source of racial disadvantage in the United States. “Moreover, racial differences in exposure to the death of mothers, fathers, and siblings appear early in childhood.”
Black Americans in the same age cohort were:
- At 3 times greater risk of losing a mother
- At 2 times greater risk of losing a father
- 20% more likely to have lost a sibling by age 10
- 2.5 times more likely to have lost a child by age 20
When it comes to multiple losses, the risk disparities are even greater:
- Black families have significantly lower odds than Whites of experiencing no family losses by age 30
- Black families have over 3 times higher odds of experiencing the death of 2 or more family members by age 30
- Black families are about 90% more likely than Whites to have experienced 4 or more deaths by age 60
- White families are 30% more likely than Blacks to have never experienced a family loss by age 60
DEALING WITH GRIEF
For Azubuike, who is passionate about social justice, this election season has taken a toll, with her painfully parting ways with multiple friends.
“Right now, I’m seriously not sure how to navigate it. I mean this is serious. It’s supporting humanity versus supporting inhumanity. I stand firm on the side of Ma’at (truth, justice, balance and harmony),” said Azubuike who added she’s shocked, disappointed, confused, frustrated and disheartened by those she believes are voting for candidates who promote division and hate. “Racism, sexism, extreme capitalism, and more are on the ballot. To choose to uphold any of that tells me some things I can’t ignore about certain people.”
These past months have been rough for Bethune after losing two of her go-to people for her “political angst as well as the rollercoaster rides of life.” But she’s using what she has to deal with her grief.
“I am joyful and grateful to have an incredible circle of family and friends but the two that are gone are deeply missed. I honor them daily by remembering to call their names and laughing at some of the shenanigans that we experienced together, keeping joy in the forefront so that depression does not take a seat at the table.”
For Carlos, grief is a “funny and tricky fella.”
“I could look at a picture and think of all the memories and smile. The next day I can look at the same photo and fall completely apart. I look at life a lot differently and I am still hoping that I can fully restore my joy,” said Carlos, who has found support via the help of a grief share group.
CHILDREN OF GRIEF
While August is National Grief Awareness Month, November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month, a reminder that Black children bear a heavy grief burden.
As stated, data shows that Black and Brown children are disproportionately impacted by grief. They are two times more likely to have a father die and three times more likely to have a mother die compared to white children. So, it’s little surprise that 65% of children orphaned as a result of COVID-19 were children of color.
Communities In Schools of Houston (CIS), an educational nonprofit, is part of a national campaign by the National Alliance of Children’s Grief, (NACG) a nonprofit organization committed to raising awareness about the needs of grieving children, teens, and their families, centered around the idea of “flip the script” on grief.
Drawing directly from the feedback of young people who are grieving, the “flip the script” campaign encourages individuals, communities, and professionals to shift away from unhelpful and dismissive words often said to young people who are grieving, like “It’ll be fine” or “It’s not so bad.”
Instead, young people are asking for tangible support, replacing words with actions that make a difference, such as sitting and listening, while pausing on advice, and understanding that each grief experience is unique. Experts say these same approaches are effective with adults, as well.
“Having a caring adult who can create a safe space for children while they are grieving directly impacts their ability to remain resilient,” says Shubhra Endley, Director of Mental Health & Wellness for Communities In Schools of Houston. “We are here for our students to help them through difficult times and stay on track for personal and academic success, including good mental and emotional health.”
