There are moments when Black America needs a committee. Not another congressional committee. Not another task force. And certainly not another panel discussion featuring 17 people explaining what “the community” should do.
We need the Racial Draft.
Yes, that Racial Draft—the brilliant Chappelle’s Show sketch that debuted in 2004, when Dave Chappelle turned American racial politics into something resembling the NBA or NFL Draft.
In the sketch, racial delegations negotiated over famous people. Tiger Woods became the Black contingent’s prize acquisition (back when we had pride in Woods). The white delegation, meanwhile, attempted to claim Gen. Colin Powell. The joke worked because America has always been fascinated with deciding who belongs to whom.
Twenty-two years later, perhaps it is time for another draft. But this time, the Black contingent isn’t trying to recruit anybody. We’re making trades, believing that some moves can best be described as “addition by subtraction.” We’ll be much stronger without some folk on our team without having to gain any compensation in return.
First pick: Raven-Symoné
Raven-Symoné is going on the trading block. The actress recently sparked renewed debate after questioning whether her “That’s So Raven” character, Raven Baxter, was Black. During a podcast discussion, she asked, “Was she Black?” and challenged the idea that viewers should attach racial meaning to the character.
Ain’t that a blip! Especially since the show itself became culturally significant to many Black viewers precisely because it centered a Black family.
And this isn’t the first time Symoné’s comments about racial identity have generated controversy. In 2014, she told Oprah Winfrey, “I’m an American, not an African American,” later explaining that she was distinguishing her American identity from the African-American label rather than denying that she was Black.
Still, the Black Draft Commissioner has reviewed the tape.
The ruling?
“Bye, Felicia.”
Stephen A. gets traded
Next up: Stephen A. Smith. Smith is one of the most recognizable sports commentators in America, and his “commentary” about prominent Black women has been so anti-Black” that there’s no way to whitewash it.
Oh, but that didn’t stop Stephen A. from trying. After the NABJ (National Association of Black Journalists) gave Stephen A. an organizational “thumbs down,” he didn’t run to Black people or Black organizations for a conversation. Nah. He ran to a network literally founded upon anti-Blackness (Fox News) to seek sympathy and solace—a move that further confirmed the wisdom of the NABJ’s actions, and the need for this trade. And while being interviewed on Fox, Smith sat there and allowed the host to further call power Black women “out they” names, while he obediently sat in silence, offering no pushback or rebuttal.
So, the Black delegation has a simple question: Stephen A., if your microphone is powerful enough to dissect everybody else’s decisions, why are you running and crying to massa when folk dissect yours?
The Black contingent isn’t saying Smith can’t criticize Black public figures. It’s saying the Black delegation reserves the right to criticize the critic.
Nicki Minaj to… somewhere
Then there is Nicki Minaj. A superstar whose career has been built upon Black fans, Minaj has increasingly licked the boots of President Donald Trump and political figures aligned with him. That has produced debate among fans and observers who see a tension between her cultural relationship with Black audiences and her political affiliations.
The Draft Commissioner has therefore called for a trade.
The receiving team? Whoever wants her. No compensation required.
Daniel Cameron: The Breonna Taylor pick
Former Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron also appears on the trading block. In 2020, Cameron’s office bent over backwards (and forwards) to make sure a grand jury refused to indict the cops who killed Breonna Taylor.
There he was, a Black man sitting at the desk of Kentucky’s top cop, with a gang of white cops breaking into Breonna Taylor’s home for no reason, and riddling her body with bullets. And Cameron chose to use his power to shuck and jive and buck-dance for Trump.
And in true sellout history, karmic fashion, after selling his soul for Trump, Cameron later ran for office in Kentucky, and Trump endorsed his competitor.
When has it ever paid to sell out your own people? Cameron can let Blackfolk know from the locker room of his new team… if any team will take him. If not, the Black contingent is releasing him on waivers.
Jason Whitlock: The perennial audition
Next on the chopping block is sports pundit turned culture-warrior Jason Whitlock. For years, Whitlock has carved out a lucrative niche serving as the go-to megaphone for tearing down Black athletes, Black cultural moments, and civil rights protests under the guise of “fearlessness.” Whether he is questioning the motives of Black players taking a knee or taking unprovoked shots at Black women in sports media, Whitlock has spent his entire career auditioning for an audience that views him strictly as a useful weapon against his own folk. The Black Draft front office has seen enough film to know that nobody’s playbook benefits from having a commentator whose entire game plan relies on fumbling Black solidarity. We’re putting him on irrevocable waivers—no draft capital required, no return package accepted.
Sexyy Red: The MAGA red cap swap
Then we have Sexyy Red. While she built an explosive rap career through raw viral anthems fueled by Black audiences, she quickly decided to use her platform to publicly endorse Donald Trump, claiming the hood loved him because of stimulus checks and free sneakers. The dissonance of using Black street culture to elevate a political brand that fundamentally works against those very communities was too jarring even for the most forgiving fans. You cannot ride the wave of the culture only to cheerlead the political apparatus designed to penalize it. The Draft Commissioner is making the call: Sexyy Red is hereby shipped to the MAGA delegation, where they can try to explain the chorus of “SkeeYee” at their next national convention.
Thelma Louise: Two hours to the exit door
The trade block also has a spot reserved for Black conservative social media influencer Thelma Louise. She proudly drove two hours across Texas to show up and cheer for Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton at a campaign event, fully draped in her MAGA allegiance, only to find herself abruptly escorted out of the room by Paxton’s campaign manager before she could even take a seat. The sheer tragedy wasn’t just the disrespect of getting kicked out of a rally she burned a quarter-tank of gas to attend—it was watching her cry on video outside a gas station, insisting the party still loved her and blaming a lone staffer instead of recognizing the obvious writing on the wall. When you ride that hard for a team that treats you like an unwanted seat-filler the second you walk through the door, you’ve played yourself. The Black contingent is trading her contract for an empty tank of gas and a highway map out of town.
Tim Scott: The token VP contender
Finally, we come to South Carolina Senator Tim Scott. While Scott technically sits among the figures who traded themselves away to the Republican establishment ages ago, the draft board needs to make his status official on paper. Scott has repeatedly weaponized his presence to claim that “America is not a racist country,” offering cover for voter suppression laws and systemic inequality while hoping to win a pat on the head or a running-mate slot on the ticket. Watching a Black man who grew up in the Deep South bend over backward to sanitize racial history just to appease a MAGA base is painful to witness. The trade papers are stamped, notarized, and delivered: Tim Scott belongs entirely to Capitol Hill country clubs now, and the Black delegation has zero intention of ever contesting the contract
The Racial Draft surprise
The Draft continues with names such as Byron Donalds, Candace Owens, Clarence Thomas, Stacey Dash, and Black entertainers who have publicly aligned themselves with the Trump/MAGA cult.
But draft officials stop everything.
“Uh, Commissioner?”
“What?”
“Those people have already been traded.”
“To whom?”
“White America.”
“When?”
“Loooooooong ago.”
“What about BET?”
“Already bought and sold.”
The Black contingent breathes an audible sigh of relief, but still wants it on record that these trades, apparently made in silent backroom deals, be posted for all to see.
Addition by subtraction
Sometimes, the best move a group, team, or race can make is to cut their losses—addition by subtraction.
No draft picks. No cash. No future considerations. No conditional seventh-rounder. Just take the people we don’t want, and get on.
Asian contingent? You’re on the clock.
Hispanic contingent? Whenever you’re ready.
White contingent? Please come to the podium, and leave your raisin-filled potato salad in your green room.
Because sometimes building a stronger team isn’t about finding more players. Sometimes it’s about deciding what the team stands for, rolling with the ones who are down for the cause, and giving the “deuces” to the others.
Oh, and the Black delegation cuts Tiger Woods, as no group would trade for him.
