This is political correspondent I.B. Pissed reporting from what has been dubbed the “Trial of the Century,” the United States vs. Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America. The proceedings have been must-see TV for a nation that has been totally enthralled with the back-and-forth between opposing counsel: Dr. Every Ever, whose middle name I’m told is SoulSister, representing the US; and Mr. Nos Feratu, who has insisted from the start of the trial on being referred to by his nickname, “Rudy Giuliani.”
Dr. Every SoulSister Ever, you may recall, not only has an impeccable trial record, and is the most educated person in the country, she has been credited with literally saving America from itself on multiple occasions throughout the decades. And if my math is correct, she’s nearly 400 years old? That can’t be right. She doesn’t look a day over 29. Giuliani, on the other hand, has a record of criminal malfeasance stretching from here in our nation’s capital down to the reported Florida brothel Mar-a-Lago. That may explain why it appears he’s lived a very hard 10,000-plus years.
Wait. I’m being told the judge is entering the courtroom and appears to be ready to read the verdict. According to trial observers, Judge He B. Wrychuss has conducted a fair and impartial trial, treating all participants with an equal about of respect and acknowledgment of their humanity—something to which Giuliani objected repeatedly through the course of this trial.
And regardless of the verdict, legal scholars contend this case will be remembered forever if for no other reason than because even though Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America were recorded for the world to see committing a cornucopia of criminal acts, and using social media to share their plans before their crimes, documenting their crimes while in progress and bragging about their crimes afterwards, this couple is the one accusing the US of crimes against the couple’s well-being, and placing the country and its lawyer, Dr. Ever, on the defense. However, I don’t know if it has ever been a wise move in the history of ever to put a Black woman on the defensive. I have a sneaking suspicion this is not going to go well for the MAGAs.
Okay. I’ve just received word that a verdict has been reached. Yes, I have just received confirmation from my producer that the verdict is in and as the results are given to me, I will share them with you.
First, here are the strong words Judge Wrychuss delivered before reading the verdict. He said, and I quote, “Y’all MAGA MFs crazy as hell if you think y’all goin’ come up in my courtroom and act a tee-total fool, and I’m not goin’ call you out on it. I don’t give a got-dayyum how many other judges fell for your bullsh*t, but I ain’t the one. And true, in its 200-plus years, the US has done its share of dirt and more. Please believe. But you MAGA folk done took thangs to a hole-nutha level.”
I’m being told Judge Wrychuss began his verdict rundown ordering Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America to, and I quote, “Peep this.”
Here is what the judge rendered by way of a verdict:
“Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America, though you are the ones filing charges, it is actually you who are guilty of the crimes. What crimes, you say? I’m glad you asked. Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America, y’all are…
- Guilty of purposefully, willfully and knowingly trafficking in falsehoods about Critical Race Theory, knowing it is a concept studied only in a select few law schools across the country, and a concept worthy of both study and respect. But because you believe your base is dumb as rocks (or just so overtly racist that they’ll use any BS you throw at them to move in very anti-Black ways without having to overtly appear to be anti-Black) you made CRT a boogeyman for them to protect their children from. You then disrupted school board meetings across the country with terroristic threats against board members, moving many to quit, all in an effort to “stan” against Black history, Black thought, Black social commentary and Black perspective, which has all been thrown under your BS banner of CRT. Y’all are straight foul. How are y’all gonna “protect” your children by shielding them from the truth about US history? Make it make sense.
- Guilty of purposefully, willfully and knowingly trafficking in falsehoods about US History, choosing to promote a whitewashed version of events that absolves centuries worth of criminals of crimes so inhumane they would make the most despotic souls in history blush. And yes, this crime for which you’re guilty is related to your vile work of attacking CRT, but it is still a crime all its own for which you need to be held to account. Your brazen acts of epistemic violence, removing the accomplishments, contributions and ideas of Blacks other people of color and women from K-college study makes me think that it is you, MAGA-ites, who are sorely lacking in historical contributions, couth and basic human decency. What other conclusion can I draw from your actions that have been so hellbent on attempting to make others look small only so that you can feel better about yourself?
- Guilty of disrespecting all members of law enforcement, knowing that because law enforcement and white supremacy are so synonymous, you, Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America, can actually cheer on Jan 6 insurrectionists who were guilty of federal crimes, and who beat and tortured and killed cops, yet you are still able to receive the endorsement of police departments and police unions all across the country. Hell, I know it was you who stormed the US Capitol because you live-streamed it on all your social media accounts. And then, you had the nerve to claim the insurrection was a ploy by the Dems or the FBI or the space aliens you believe built Egypt’s pyramids, just to make y’all look bad. Lord have mercy, I’d have more (read “some”) respect for you if you admitted and stood by your actions rather than blaming er’body and they mama for what the world literally saw you do. And again, even those videos showing you stabbing cops with American flagpoles and beating them upside the head with fire extinguishers and spraying them with bear repellant and calling for your insurrection mates be beat cops with their own guns, was not enough to move police departments and their unions to denounce you. Hell, they’re endorsing you. Hell, they ARE you. Well played, Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America. You damn hypocrites.
- Guilty of disrespecting military veterans. Everything I said about law enforcement applies here, as well. Again, well played you two. You stand against veterans’ benefits, refuse to approve funding so vets can receive other needed care and services. You block funding so Congress can make sure that current military members receive life-saving equipment. You even called military persons out of their name, and said their request for life-protecting gear was just a gimmick. Then, during various Congressional hearings, you belittled the military service given by countless vets, while so many of you, like your MAGA messiah, did everything possible to avoid military service. And still, the number of white supremacists in that demographic support you.
- Guilty of being absolutely anti-family and anti-life while claiming to be pro both of those things. Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America, your slavish devotion to politicians who give record-breaking, inflation-inducing tax breaks to members of the hyper-wealthy 1% and then call middle- and economically lower-class individuals greedy and scammers for wanting basic economic supports is so shameful it’s hard to find the correct words to fully describe the depths of your depravity. Your cheering on of kids in cages was a new low in the annals of human history. Your “pro-life” crusade has swayed several souls to back your policies. However, one, you have no policies beyond “owning the libs” and two, anti-abortion folk statistically have just as many abortions as those who identify as “pro-choice.” The only difference? MAGA-ites, you justify abortions for you and your loved ones, but damn to hell all others not in your ranks who make similar decisions.
- Guilty of having no plan for economic restoration, yet running ads about economic restoration, even though evidence (your past behavior) shows that your political brethren worsen the economy every single time your party is in power. EVERY TIME. Not only that, your states, Red States, are where education, healthcare and poverty are the worst, all signs that y’all aren’t really about “the economy,” y’all are about inflicting pain on those you deem as “not real Americans” (i.e. Black people).
- Guilty of promoting yourself as anti-crime, yet creating the very conditions for crime to thrive and grow. It’s amazing but not amusing that crime is highest in your states, Red States, yet you parade around the town square as if you are law and order personified. And it’s quite amazing how y’all are so gung-ho about holding “criminals” accountable for their crimes, yet you lift up your ideological kin who have committed and are still committing crimes against humanity and against the country you say you love. And in the ultimate move of irony, you accuse Dems of being “soft on crime.” But for some odd reason, Dems are so inept with their messaging they can’t even effectively point this madness out to voters on the campaign trail. But that’s another trial for another day.
- Guilty of undermining and overthrowing democracy. Y’all have candidates running for political office across the country saying they’ll accept the election results only if they win? Only if they win? That means they don’t believe in democracy. That means you who support them don’t believe in democracy if you reject the will of the people just because y’all don’t get your way. Plus, that sounds like some real infantile, spoiled brat-level action that you need to work out with your therapist. Democracy depends upon a healthy environment for the sharing and debating of ideas by folk from different political parties. And a critical part of that debate is the assumption everyone is working with that the folk they’re debating with may have ideas you disagree with, but you operate knowing that they love this country as much as you do. They just see a different way to move the country forward. But Mr. & Mrs. MAGA America, you’ve taken this nation down a dangerous path. You’ve demonized members of a different political party. You campaign on the idea that Dems, libs, progressives, etc. are literally “the devil” and need to be neutralized and/or eliminated. That’s some authoritarian, dictator level crap when you declare other American citizens who think differently from you as “the enemy” and then sprout violent rhetoric about those “enemies.” Then you act out those violent tendencies, yet play the victim when you’re called out for instigating the violence you worship. Y’all have also declared a huge portion of the country’s legally registered voters as “ineligible” simply because they didn’t vote for the same candidates y’all did. I ain’t saying y’all are 1930s Germany types (even though their modern-day American cousins have literally endorsed all y’alls MAGA candidates). All I’m saying is please show me the difference between scapegoating entire demographic groups then, and doing it now; declaring elections that don’t go your way as illegal then, and doing it now. Supporting the ramping up of violence as a legitimate political tool then, and doing the same now. Declaring intellectuals, artists and scientists as enemies and deviants then, and doing the same thing now.
- Guilty of convincing soft-headed Negroes and Latinx to support you even as you invest billions to suppress Black and Brown votes.
- Guilty of having zero shame while trafficking in hypocrisy and reveling in inflicting pain (physical and otherwise) on anyone who’s not part of your club. And I know that’s not a crime. But the way y’all over-indulge, it should be.
Viewers, listeners, I’m getting word that Judge Wrychuss had plenty of other crimes he wanted to read off, but he lost his voice and nearly lost consciousness. I’m told he wrote down some final words before leaving the bench.
Here are those words:
“Any one of the crimes for which you, Mr. & Mrs. MAGA, have been found guilty, could by themselves take down an empire. Combined, your heinous acts make the destruction of this nation almost assured. The only hope is that individuals who are appalled by your actions use whatever energy and influence they have to not only vote like their lives and all our lives depend on it, but they each take responsibility for making sure 10, 20, 100 others vote, as well. Because if we don’t vote, we’ll be guilty of abdicating our rights and freedoms to you Mr. & Mrs. MAGA, and your friends who have already shown y’all will stop at nothing to take them from us. It doesn’t have to go down like that. Those people whose votes you gleefully suppress have the power to create and protect the kind of society we desire. But it’s gonna require them, it’s gonna require us to get up off our butts and vote.”
This is I.B. Pissed reporting.