There is a saying that states, “Parenthood is the scariest hood you’ll ever go through,” but it’s a very rewarding experience. Parents strive to be loving nurturers, firm disciplinarians, and sometimes, even cool friends. But can these roles truly coexist?
These days, there are so many parenting styles – from authoritative to free-range – that the line between parental figure and friend seems to be blurry. Friendship is “a voluntary relationship between two or more people that is relatively long-lasting and in which those involved tend to be concerned with meeting the others’ needs and interests as well as satisfying their desires,” according to the American Psychological Association. In this case, being a parent isn’t voluntary, and the parents are responsible for meeting the needs of their children, not vice versa.
The question of what friendship with a child looks like is vague. Does it mean you are having a good time, or is this a relationship where both of you are seen as equals? Black parents are commonly perceived to have strict and firm boundaries for their kids, and they are less understanding when children talk back to them. #BlackParentsBeLike is a popular hashtag that shows examples of how Black parents don’t take nonsense. They tended to be strict out of fear for the safety of their children. We often see tragedies such as Dante Wright, Trayvon Martin, Breonna Taylor, Botham Jean, and many others who’ve been killed by law enforcement.
The Benefits of Building a Bond
There’s a difference between being a friend and being friendly. Experts agree that fostering a positive and supportive relationship with your child is crucial. A journal from the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine linked early parent-children relationships contribute positively to their socioemotional, cognitive, neurobiological, and health.
Andria Elena Capers is a young millennial with a strong bond with her mother and aunt. Capers is an only child, and throughout her life, she’s been able to thrive as an adult with her mother’s open-door policy.
“My mother is a single parent. She wanted to ensure I could come to her whenever I had a problem. She was my cheerleader and supporter in everything I did,” Capers said. “I wouldn’t say my mother was strict, but there were boundaries, and I knew not to cross them.”
Her peers often respected Caper’s relationship with her mother because they didn’t have good relationships with their parents. Some of her friends had to move out of their homes because of the toxic nature of the relationship, but Caper said she lived with her mother until she was 28 years old.
“My mother never judged me. I can tell her anything without repercussions. She is a loving person to me and all my friends, and my aunt is the same way. I feel like my friends who weren’t open with their parents got into the most trouble because they didn’t have that support system,” she said. “I hope to emulate my mom with my future kids one day. She is my best friend.”
The Risks of Over-Friendliness
While a friendly parent can create a more open and communicative environment, there are potential drawbacks. When parents become “friends,” they might struggle to enforce boundaries and discipline.
Friendship often involves a two-way street of emotional support. Parents becoming a child’s primary confidante can create an emotional burden. Children might feel pressured to confide in their parents about adult problems they aren’t equipped to handle.
Life lessons often involve consequences. A parent focused on being a friend might hesitate to impose those consequences, hindering a child’s ability to learn from their mistakes. If boundaries aren’t in place, the child might have difficulty understanding why you’ve become an authoritative figure and, as a result, will be unwilling to heed your directions.
Parenting Styles and Shifting Gears
Social media has become a medium where new generations of parents are sharing different approaches to building healthy relationships with their children.
Social media influencer and author of the book “Revised Not Repeated: A Brown Mom’s Guide to Breaking Generational Curses in Parenting,” Destiny Bennett is a mother of three from Las Vegas who uses TikTok.
Bennett is one of the mom influencers promoting the advantages of gentle parenting and offers classes for interested parents. Studies have shown that adults who experienced verbal hostility and low nurturance as a child are more likely to transfer this trauma to their children. Gentle parenting is a blend of firm parenting that reinforces positive behaviors and is considered a major step to breaking generational cycles of trauma that have left Black children troubled and scarred.
“That’s reality sometimes when you’re emotional and overstimulated (no matter how much training you’ve had or how many books you’ve read) sometimes you fall back on trusting yourself just to find the best words you can and keep the main thing the main thing (not hitting, not screaming, not completely losing your cool) and correct what needs to be corrected later,” Bennett said on TikTok. “I’ve found peace in knowing that even in these moments, there’s a valuable lesson happening for all of us.”
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to when the parent-friend dynamic can evolve. It depends on your child’s personality, maturity level, and family dynamic. Some children crave more independence earlier than others. Here are some signs your child might be ready for a more balanced relationship:
Increased maturity : They can handle constructive criticism and take responsibility for their actions.
Improved communication : They feel comfortable discussing complex issues and value your guidance.
Strong sense of self : They have established their values and boundaries.
