Finding love shouldn’t be a battlefield. Yet, for Black individuals who identify as LGBTQ+, the pursuit of romance is often riddled with obstacles. They navigate not just the complexities of dating itself but also the sting of racism within the LGBTQ+ community and the constant pressure to conform to heteronormative ideals.
The search for a genuine connection becomes an uphill battle, leaving many Black LGBTQ+ individuals questioning where they truly belong in the vast landscape of love.
Ian Haddock, founder of The Normal Anomaly Initiative and program directors Joelle Espeut and Jordan J. Edwards – share their realities of dating in the city, offering a glimpse into the challenges of finding love at the intersection of multiple identities.
Defender: How is the dating scene in Houston? Where have you found success in meeting potential partners?
Ian Haddock : I enjoy the dating scene here. Houston has a wealth of community compared to other cities. People want to know about you and really want to engage and get connected to people in general. It was almost exclusively dating apps until the last six or seven months. I live a pretty public life. I find it hard to talk to people without them knowing who I am. I engaged mostly in dating apps. A year and a half ago, I had a traumatic experience on a dating app where this guy came over to hang out. We had a good time, had some drinks, and fell asleep. I woke up, and a couple of things were taken. I called out the LGBTQ liaison and the police, and they said that I should be more careful because I’m seen as a micro-celebrity in the community. Outside of that, dating has been fun.
Jordan Edwards : I’m currently dating and looking to try something new. I’ve had some hard dating situations. I focus on improving myself, and people don’t take that seriously.
Joelle Espeut : I’m not from the south originally. I moved here from Los Angeles (LA). When I was in LA, I dated a lot more than I do here. Being a Black trans woman in Houston and the South, dating has been really challenging. I think also, because of, you know, I am a little older, well, I’m 38, and I’m in a particular place in my career and professional life where I am active in the community. That makes dating a little harder. I’ve had minor success with dating apps. I prefer to meet people in person and look at their wholeness.
Defender: How do you approach potential partners who might not share all your cultural or sexual orientation experiences? Has this ever led to conflict or a sense of being misunderstood ?
Haddock : My last relationship ended just because of that. We didn’t have a bad breakup. We dated for less than a month and decided to make it official. I started meeting his family. We were two extremely different people. I come off as flashy, but when I’m home, I’m introverted. Sometimes, the issue in dating is that people either fall in love with one personality or not both.
Edwards : I’ve found some success on dating apps like Tinder. But when I talk to someone, I like getting to know them or just finding what makes them happy and navigating from there. I’m Black American, and most people are from around my intersection. I’m sexually fluid. I get judged by the community on my fluidity as far as being able to be into men, women, trans, non-binary, or any race. People assume that because I look masculine, I’m supposed to be with one type of person.
Espeut : I like communicating and asking questions. I ask a lot of questions for context. Dissent and conflict are vital for growth. And the dialogue is important. I’m always in a space of like, we don’t have to agree on everything. There are some fundamental things that we have to agree on. I love to create space to challenge those assumptions and create space where they can feel comfortable working through them. I’ve gotten to that point because of my working community that allows me to look at like intimacy and relationships in a different way.
Defender: How does the Southern culture affect your dating life?
Haddock : I travel a lot, especially on the East Coast. The way people engage you is that they want your biography and your resume. So, it can be a bit off-putting. In Houston, people actually want to experience things. Let’s not force ourselves into any type of commitment. Let’s have fun. Black LGBTQ people in Houston, in my circle, have conversations around non-traditional relationships, and I appreciate that. We’re talking about where it’s more a partnership and less centered around sex.
Edwards : My energy comes off as caring towards other people. Even when I’ve gone up north, they’re concerned about my credit score and what type of work I do, but down here, they’re more concerned about my aspirations or what I’m trying to do with my life.
Espeut : There is southern hospitality here. The challenge is that many people just don’t have expansive spots or views on relationships. So they kind of get stuck in those old-school ways of thinking about dating, relationships, gender roles, and gender norms. It’s that old-school conservative mentality that has impacted my dating life.
Defender: How comfortable have you felt being open about your sexuality with your partner’s family? Has this impacted your dating life in any way ?
Haddock : As a single man who is dating, I felt like I got involved with his family too soon in my last relationship. The family was so invested in the relationship, and I argued that it lasted as long as it did because his family was particularly invested in ensuring the relationship lasted. We realized that we were better off as friends. Jumping the gun raised the stakes in our relationship when we should have taken the time to get to know each other truly.
Edwards : Family dynamic is hard. I have a big family who accepts me and my sexuality. They know I’m a person living with HIV. Many in our community don’t have a good relationship with their families, so most people are accepted into mine. That’s why having a serious long-term relationship is taking so long.
Espeut : I’m very comfortable with it. In LA I’ve met my partner’s families. I think moving to the South deals with that same stigma. Of like dating a black trans woman is, there’s still a stigma attached. There’s still a taboo. I haven’t been able to have a sustainable relationship where I was able to meet someone’s family because of the deep-rooted stigma.
Defender: Can you share any experiences with microaggressions while dating in Houston? How do you handle these situations?
Haddock : I’ve dated people from all across the Black diaspora. I think my personal politics is not to discriminate against any race or ethnicity. I consider myself more pansexual than gay. That’s been a journey to identify as that. Black bodies are looked at differently. It’s easier for me to engage with people most often that have similar experiences as me. Some traumas, triggers, and marginalization come out when finding love, no matter how evolved we are as a society. It’s easier when someone understands those barriers than to explain them constantly. The short answer is ‘no’. I don’t experience those things often because my history is with black people.
Edwards : I’m masculine presenting, and people assume I’m heterosexual. So I hear things like, “Where is your girlfriend?” I tell them I’m sexually fluid, and they ask, “What does that mean?” Women have told me that I’m a waste of a man. Men have told me I’m scared to come out as gay. When I check into hotels or go out to restaurants, it’s presumed that I will be the one to take care of the bill. People who I date can feel uncomfortable about how I identify. If people get to know me, they would know that I’m not into drag shows, I don’t like sports, I like comics. It makes me look less than because I’m not the version of a man that people want me to be. Being who I am has been a threat to dating.
Espeut : The microaggression I face is the assumption that I’m hypersexual or some form of a sex worker. I try not to lead with my trans identity because I don’t feel like it’s important. It’s not a secret. I’m very open about it, but once it is revealed, the dynamic shifts. They are either no longer interested in the relationship or interested in a sexual relationship.
